Foreword:
The Author's Note

Here is a confession: truthfully and shamelessly, my only purpose in writing down everything you are about to read is to seek for attention, and furthermore, to lure you into me. I sure wish that there is a masterclass on how to market yourself to the general public. Unfortunately, I am on my own, and I know nothing about what most people are into because I fuck with a whole different crowd—freaks and clowns, weirdos and outlaws, vampires and cannibals. Hence, I will do this the way I want it, and I will give you a small warning as an apology: you are about to get introduced to a nutjob. If you don't want to watch a dumpster fire coming undone, this is your sign to turn around.The thing is, babe, I am not an easy format; not a monochromatic, regular person, but rather a strange paradox of a surprisingly easy pill to swallow and the worst person you have ever met. How else would you describe a mixture of a very good-looking gentleman, a nihilistic poet, a wise elder, a murderous maniac, a 1950's housewife, and an obnoxious teenager whose downfall Willy Wonka would love to plot for if it's not just "insanity in a pretty package"? I'm not going to pretend like I'm not at least interesting. I am, but unless you have a knack for an eccentric, unlawfully unpredictable, self-contradictory swine who is too aware of himself and enjoying it too much to try and be a better person, a big chunk of my very being will repulse you.Still, despite my atrocities, I am complete and multifaceted and I am sure you will find a side of me that fits to your liking. Or better yet, why settle for one side when you can have your cake and eat it, too? Have both the king and the jester, an intellectual and a fool, the therapist and his psych ward patient, a starving dog and the hand that feeds it, machete and stage make up. Dive head-first into a pond of many creatures, maybe; at night, watch it turns into a hypnotizing bundle of different-colored lights. I can be the world and it can be yours for the taking. I can haunt you until the end of your life if you allow me to.Sounds good so far? Great. Here's the catch: to get on with it, you will have to endure a lot of reading because I never know when to shut up. Treat it like an invitation to delve deep into the mind of a madman and try to fully understand what you're dealing with. I will take you to visit the three places of my sanctuary: stop by at The Circus in which I will act out the essence of my mind in the whole three-parts of unhinged rambles; win your golden ticket into The Factory, sign the contract for the feast; and visit me home in The Wonderland, stumble down the rabbit hole of all new kinds of madness until you find your way to me.Now, this is the part where I warn you that these pages would showcase some form of chaos. Profanities may be thrown, curses of my own being may be mentioned, and a wild change of vibes is in order. If you have no intentions to stumble over a hot garbage, you might not want to proceed with your reading. If you decide to take a look, you may sit down and have your fun. Drink it in. Relish me.

Table of Content

> The Circus: The Cap, The Bell, The Baggage
> The Factory: Rules of the House
> The Wonderland: The Crew, The Party, and His Cheshire Cat's Smile

I

THE CIRCUS
An Introduction

“Didn't the clowns always summon to your mind disintegration, disaster, chaos?”

Act One
Revolt of the Freak
The man who reeks of smoke and Adderall

Despite having an ego bigger than the moon, I have always thought that talking about myself is rather embarrassing. Why do I have to describe my favorite anything, what grand philosophical beliefs I hold, and what I think of love? Where is the limit on how much I can say before it becomes a bitchfest? What if I went off the rails by a mile and the description sounds a lot like a malicious threat to humanity? I would not have to deal with the consequences of my indecency if I could just shut my mouth, keep this façade of a good, law-abiding citizen intact, and stay in the dark. And that much I do. I have created an asylum for myself up there, a safe space in which all the little freaks, the agnostic existentialists, the homosexual arsonists, the angry anarchists, the cave goblins and the thirsty vampires that are my multiple personalities reside. Letting the madness escape is a choice I often choose not to make. I will, however, try to share some personal information as openly as I can afford here, as this is my page and I should not give that much fuck.Let me just say that I'm a man of many layers, and you may pick and choose which part of me you like the best. If this was a feast, I am the whole buffet, with the sweets and the tenders on the far right side of the table and the hellish piece of meat on the far left. When you take your first bite, you may find that I am one of the most sympathetic, attentive, kind, genuine, and loving people you know. I am the guy who will know how to care for you, one who tries to understand everything you say and remembers little details about you, someone who is safe and sensitive and sweeter than a Saturn peach in August. I can be a friend and a mentor, a brother and a parental figure, a tree in the middle of a field to speak nonsense under. That, until this interior cracks and the non-harmful-but-holy-shit result of years of traumas poured in, and then it would be up to you if you could tolerate it.I'll tell you this: there is some sort of dissonance in the way my mind and body work. I can be such a sight to see; such a mature, incredibly intelligent, brimming-with-confidence individual with fun social circles and sophisticated ways of life. The first time you saw me, you might think that I will be the kind of people who stay where the sun shines, go to work at 7 AM after a complete breakfast, and return home later in the evening looking like a hard-working, proud, functional grown-up. I, in fact, do not usually leave the house, the sun hurts my eyes, and my sense of self is as historically torn out as Julius Caesar at the end of his life. I have been, semi-consciously, avoiding mundanity and ordinariness like a plague: like I am in a gymnastic in which I’ve got a point for every intrusive thought I collected; like I am an 8-bit Italian plumber with a mustache acquiring coins for every turtle-of-innocence I crushed under my soles; like I am a circus clown, juggling profound insanity, disturbing-level obsession for the unknown, and neurodivergence-induced passion for the things I love on a neon blue unicycle. I may be very interesting to look at and to talk to, but nothing I do matters for any establishment nor anything outside of my own self-enjoyment. Essentially, I am damn near useless for the country, society, and capitalism—existing solely for the jest and whimsy this life has to offer.For a couple of years now, I've likened myself more to hermits who live on the mountains and defy any kind of authority despite knowing exactly how to fit in in basically any group I could be a part of. I have my fun in distancing myself from the crowd and holding tightly onto my individuality and freedom, and by that, I mean the ability to take the piss out of everyone and everything—myself included—with no hard feelings involved. I refuse to describe things as good or bad or right or wrong, but rather a series of adjectives and reasonings that people often fail to see out of personal biases. I do not believe in any system but the innate violence of nature, the thought that nothing actually matters, and that existential awareness is a torture that should be endured with grace. I am unconventional, quite attractively so, undeterred by common moral compass and communal ideologies. I can not give a flying fuck if anyone sees me as a loser with a big damaged brain, an unorthodox but charismatic intellectual, or a delusional lunatic. There is nothing anyone has said about me that I haven't said six inches from the mirror, and I am terribly aware of my loaded god-complex and narcissistic tendencies. Do I choose to be this way? Yes. I treat it as a gift. If it wasn't because I hate participating in any religious events, I would probably end up as a cult leader.I know that this whole thing takes a concerning turn, but it's chill. It is a part of the absurdist comedy of coming of age in a world gone mad. It makes you a little messed up in the head, but a plus point to that, you may start to live as a movie character played by Christian Bale (or Rachel Sennott, I'm not picky). It is quite liberating, actually, leaving the ghost of my pretense behind, stripping myself off of the idea that I am normal and functional and completely sane. I have turned my brain into a clown car and let the aforementioned little creatures in my head take the wheel, driving me back and forth however they please. Why would I not? What do I have to lose? I have stared into the abyss, had it staring back at me and still doing very well on my own. It is a glee to know that my existence is doomed from the beginning, so whatever I do for the reason of survival on the face of earth should not be held against me, even if I had done some shit that would have me legally murdered by the government if I were born a few decades earlier. I find abundant joy in irony. I romanticize my own destruction. I kiss the bloody lips of precarity like I am his most devoted lover. I devour the ashes of my own pride and wash it down with the spit of anyone who has ever loved me. It is not a risus abundat in ore stultorum situation; it is amor fati, love of fate the way Nietzsche said it: to not only bear what is necessary, but love it.

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ACT TWO
If You Forget My Name, You Will Go Astray
Love bites (so do I)

Some people from long ago had said that the insatiable desire to have more than what one has is what causes suffering. Some others said that the desire for more is a fuel, a gravitational force that pulls you forward, the Hooke’s law of elasticity or whatever. After the shameful, shameless ramble you have just witnessed above (nothing says marketing quite like scaring the people you're trying to attract), I assume you have found out that I am a little bit of a loony, and it will not be much surprising if I said that I find desire a very fulfilling distraction from life itself: the one thing that keeps you from running over the edge. The world is a big spinning ball full of misery, and when you believe in meaningless existence like I do, just waiting for the comet to hit or for your life to take a halt, why would you deny yourself things that make your heart feels something other than intense boredom? Why won't you indulge yourself in a little bit of romance and spice?Romance, for me, is an all-encompassing concept. It's serious; it's casual. It's forever; it's just for one night. It's domestic; it's intense. It's love; it's resentment. It's pleasure; it's pain. It's laughter; it's tears. It's joy; it's misery. It's rose-colored; it's black and blue. It's nothing. It's everything. It's all yours and something you have never deserved. My attraction to romance is an attraction to adventures and whirlwind passion. It's an attraction to both what will cut and make me bleed and the doctor's hands that heal the wound. It's my love language for the universe and far beyond.Love, for me, is a vital part of my identity. You thread a different path in life when you grow up queer and aware. Your head grows different ideas of what love is when loving is not always safe and comfortable. Love becomes your life and death. It becomes a choice. When you love, you choose your lover over the world. If I loved you, I would choose you over the world. I would pour all the things I have left on the table and let you strike me with each of them. I could give you the very last drop of my blood. There would be hardly anything I wouldn't do for you. Thus, if I could send you an invitation, come to me. Whether you think of it as a highway to hell or a stairwell to heaven, it doesn't matter. Come to me. I might be a clusterfuck of a human being, but I'm an endearing, ever-loving partner.My identity, for me, is the core essence of why loving comes so easy. The things I've seen, the lessons I've learned, the mouths I've kissed have taught me enough that there is no correct singular way on how to be. With my expectations for the way I am perceived becomes almost zero, I am able to embrace parts of me that are not always acceptable in a man. I am feminine and masculine, a provider and nurturer, a head and a heart, assertive and receptive. I am the mouth and the ears, the prize and the olympian, Helen of Troy and Paolo Malatesta all combined inside the body of a gang member. Loving comes off easy for me because I love like a mother: often-unconditional, overly empathetic, and defy all kinds of reasoning. Only when my lover wants it do the stormbringer bitch and the brat in me come into the surface, both irritating and challenging—chaotic and zesty and heavenly all at the same time.Embracing one's own inner chaos is embracing anything it desires. In my case, I desire intense lazy days and hunger for hunger. The relationship that works best with me would be a balance of appreciating less and wanting more: being content with casual messages that go from north to south to everywhere else at nine in the morning and jumping straight into love that is exceptionally obsessive, engulfing, and burning red. My desire is showing all the worst and the best of me and seeing the worst and the best of someone else; to have them love my hideousness, my rotten teeth and my wilted frame, and have me love them just the same. My desire is to have and to be had, less and more, simultaneously, unjustifiably, undeservingly. Oscar Wilde: “Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling, and ‘Domine, non sum dignus’ should be on the lips and in the hearts of those who receive it.”

II

The Factory
The Binding Contract

“WHEREAS the management cannot be held responsible for any accidents, incidents, loss of property or life or limb….”

Okay. There will actually be no loss of life or limbs over here (I am not exactly into that). However, it is still necessary to set some ground rules, because while I do not have limits for myself, we are still bound to have humanly problems we need to avoid along the way. Pay attention.


GENERAL RULES:
͏ㅤ— As per the law of the community, I will not spare my time for personal and alter accounts nor will I accept any personal information containing real life identities. Any other kind of information, including those within voice notes and pictures, are acceptable.
͏ㅤ— Any requests involving pictures should be limited to unpaid and public contents. You will be responsible to make sure of it as my knowledge is limited in the matter.
͏ㅤ— Posting your face and/or body in an account you use to see me is prohibited. Please make sure that you have never done anything of sorts before contacting my team.
͏ㅤ— It is required for future dates to thoroughly read and understand the other basic regulations set for the community. I am not responsible for any breach of codes involving you that my team and I were not aware of.


PERSONAL RULES:Private Matters: My favorite thing about being here is being absolutely separated from real life, like a work of semi-fiction. However, I am also very open to share my life stories, experiences, thoughts, and other anonymous details. In that case, said information is to be kept with you to your grave, unless I allow you otherwise. I will do the same for you.Limitations: I do put my conscience in between socially acceptable and absolute atrocity and go astray every once in a while, but there are lines the little morality in me will not be comfortable crossing. Some of the things you should be aware of are:
͏ㅤ1) I will not be dating anyone under the age of 20 nor befriending those under the age of 19. I am sorry, but under that certain age, you are a child to me and I do not want to feel like a creep.
͏ㅤ2) It is nearly impossible to offend me, but I could be very argumentative when it comes to my beliefs and values. Avoid saying xenophobic, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, sexist, racist, or generally prejudiced remarks against any group to me if you do not wish to have lengthy, though respectful, conversations about that.
͏ㅤ3) I am actively picking adult audiences only, so I expect emotional maturity to be in order. Please refrain from being passive-aggressive, condescending, combative, and difficult. In the face of conflicts, I am all-in for mature conversations with no hard feelings involved. I would love to go back to being affectionate a second after we settle things, which cannot be achieved if any of us were unhappy.
͏ㅤ4) I do not wish to be treated like I am incompetent. I probably talk about being dysfunctional sometimes (which I am), but I am actually a very intelligent and rational human being with insane amount of empathy and sick problem-solving skills. I will appreciate it if you do not downplay that.
͏ㅤ5) I am a queer with queer experiences and I might talk about them. I will not talk about my exes or past crushes, but there might be times where I would share what it is like to be gay in my skin if the conversation leads to it. If you feel uncomfortable with it, I am certain that I am not be the best match for you.More Things to Consider: Aside from my interactional limits, there are a few things about me that you may want to know before actually meeting me. Those things are:
͏ㅤ1) I am not big on PDA. Unless there are things I genuinely want to show off, expect me to not be initiative. However, I will be more active in public if you are, too. You may tell me specifically what you want me to do beforehand, if you wish differently.
͏ㅤ2) I reply fast. I would talk to you all the time if I could. My range of messages usually goes between a few seconds to 30 minutes; maybe more if I had other things in hand. However, I am also a neurodivergent with untreated ADHD and I may forget to update you about my activities. Your understanding is appreciated. You may expect compensation on my part if I went missing for ±3 hours without explanations.
͏ㅤ3) I can tolerate any kind of curse words. Personally, I may or may not use curse words casually to express myself, depending on our dynamic and how long I have known you. If you are not okay with that, please let me know in the form.
͏ㅤ4) I do not have any personal triggers and I am open to any kind of conversation. However, any conversations that go in circles can bore me badly. I will try my best to make things comfortable for us. In that case, please be considerate and try to participate.
͏ㅤ5) For closing the session, you would have to tell me how you'd prefer to do it in the form. Otherwise, I will send good-bye messages in the way I feel is right, or in times where I don't have the mind space to do it, I probably won't send any at all.

Preferences: When it comes to relationships, I like exploring all the different ways to vibe, different ways to love, and different ways to synchronize. My dynamics with you may be different from what you think it will be. In that case, here are the the things about me you should know for further references:
͏ㅤ1) I am a very flexible person who values genuine connection. Because of that, unless we follow certain tropes, our dynamic will be determined by the way we vibe. It is worth to note that I will most likely be more reserved in a relationship with someone with similar personality and I will leave you to your activities in a low-maintenance relationship (I will most likely not spam you with messages).
͏ㅤ2) Platonic relationship is on the table and I am very open to stay close afterwards, if we go well together. Please keep in mind that I will treat you the way I treat my friends and family, and because of that, unless I see fit, I will not be overly affectionate to you.
͏ㅤ3) I am a versatile pansexual and I do not care about genders or roles. I can definitely adjust to your preference, but my personality and the way I speak will not change regardless of the role I take in our relationship. I am also open to polyamorous relationship. In that case, I expect mutual consent and love and I will not fight with the other person for your attention.
͏ㅤ4) I appreciate any kind of pet name, title, or nickname you may come up with. Despite my traditionally masculine gender expressions, I do accept feminine names, titles, or compliments, as well as other names that might seem like insults (you can call me a babygirl, a wife, a bitch, bastard, anything along the lines; I don’t really care). I will communicate my discomfort if anything crosses my nearly non-existent boundaries.
͏ㅤ5) You are welcomed to text or interact with me outside of the session. However, there's no telling if I could reply quickly or reply at all due to my personal issues.About NSFW Encounter: As mentioned previously, I am pansexual, versatile, and deranged enough to say yes to a lot of unconventional tropes. The things that I would be uncomfortable doing can be found through this door. Keep in mind that I only accept partners over 21+ of age for this type of relationship, I will only use English or bilingual at most during NSFW sessions, and although I am open to receiving it, I will not send any pornographic media.About The Session: The Session can be done on Twitter and Telegram. You are required to contact The Circlee for any inquiries. Our time together can be rescheduled, but unless mutually agreed upon, Cancellation on your end is not allowed. I might not send it to you personally, but leaving a message on my Padlet at the end of our session is greatly appreciated.

III

THE WONDERLAND
The (Re)union

“Oh, you can’t help that. We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad. You must be, or you wouldn’t have come here.”
— the Cheshire Cat

I am painfully aware that this has been a lot of reading, so let me make this short for you: if you'd like to sit down with me and attend the tea party, I will offer you a lot of things.

> I am open to any type of dates, including the ones that are not listed above, or if you want to follow certain tropes. Please specify your preferences in your application.> Please make sure that you have read the Rules of the House page thoroughly before committing to our relationship. The Circlee's contacts are listed at the bottom of the page.

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